sullenriot182

I lost my Mom on the 19th. It's definitely been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Even worse, we don't know what happened to cause her death. And probably won't know for another few months. She had gone to the 7-11 up the street and when she came back, asked my brother to take out the trash. When he did it and came back in to tell her it was done, she was passed out and he came to get me. We tried to wake her up, but I checked and she wasn't breathing, and her lips were going blue. 911 got there pretty fast, I'll give them that. She had a weak pulse when they checked, and by then I was just hyperventilating and completely freaked out. But they wouldn't let me ride in the ambulance. When we got to the hospital, all I was saying was that I couldn't wait to yell at her for scaring us so much.

When I told the nurse at the desk that they had just brought my Mom in, her and the other nurse looked at each other like "oh shit." That's when I knew something was bad. I honestly thought that she just had heatstroke or something and that she would be okay. This nurse took us into the "family room," and we just sat there for a few minutes, not knowing what was going on. And then a doctor came in and totally shattered my life. He said that she was really sick and hadn't had a heartbeat for about a half hour, but that they were still trying. I lost it. My brother lost it. We weren't expecting that at all. And we were there alone and all I wanted was to call my Nanny and I couldn't get my phone to work. I think I went through every emotion - I was angry, I was scared, I was sad, worried, confused - and then he came back in and said she died. Just like that. I'm sure they deal with it every day but at that moment I just couldn't handle it. I was pissed at him. He asked us if we wanted to see her. I know that I would have felt awful if I didn't. So we went in and kissed her and told her we loved her. I'll never be able to get that image out of my head. They wouldn't even take the tube out of her mouth. They gave me her jewelry and a bag with her clothes in it (which is still sitting in my room cause I can't bear to open it yet). I didn't know what to do next, so the lady basically told me we needed to call a funeral home to get things set up, and then we went outside. A bum had the balls to ask me for money while me and my brother were bawling in the parking lot. I told him where to go, believe me lol!

More hard stuff came when we had to go to the funeral place and make decisions. I knew that she wanted to be cremated, so that was getting done. But we had to bring in clothes for her too. So my brother and I went through her stuff and got her favorite leather jacket, black jeans, her belt that I always tried to steal from her, and her favorite Slash shirt. I know that's what she would have wanted. And then the urn, everyone left that up to me. So I had the first verse of "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica engraved on it. That was one of her favorite songs and we always went to concerts and stuff together, so I wanted to put that on there. I am going to bawl the next time I see them and they play that, but it's okay.

Each day is getting a little better. It's just so hard cause so many things remind me of her. We did everything together, she was definitely my best friend. It was my Nanny's birthday the day after all this happened, and my birthday was the 31st. We pretty much forgot about both of those days lol. My Nanny, by the way, is having a mesectomy soon so yeah - everything is hitting my family all at once. It's fucking ridiculous. I sometimes wonder what the hell else can go wrong. Obviously because of how it happened, they had to do an autopsy on my Mom. And that's why we won't know for up to 3 months the actual cause of death. I already requested a full autopsy report, because I want to know what the hell happened to her. My doctor wants it too, just in case there's anything to look out for in me. I'm glad that it happened so fast and that my Mom didn't have to suffer, I realize a lot of people have it a lot worse. I just miss her so much and it was such a traumatizing/shocking thing, it's gonna take a long time to get things back to normal again.